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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23735512">Rather fuel a fantasy (than deal with this alone)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo'>artsyleo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bittersweet Ending, Episode Fix-it, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:28:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23735512</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben tries his best to swallow down the guilt that bubbles in his throat like bile when Tubbs shakes the money at him. He knows he’s vaguely out of sight of anyone that could relay this back to Callum, tucked away around the side of the club, but he can’t help but feel as though he’s letting Callum down. And, hey, maybe he is- Callum’s been pleading with him to drop the dodgy business, go legit, for the sake of Callum’s budding cop dream. Ben wants nothing more than to drop everything for his boyfriend, but there’s something inside him that can’t just forget about it all.<br/>-<br/>Or a retrospective look at the episode from 21/11/2019</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Rather fuel a fantasy (than deal with this alone)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was actually written for an awesome Iconic Ballum Moments celebration hosted by theballumplace on tumblr, in which loads of awesome art, edits and fic have been completed, so please go and take a look at that if you can - this is day 19!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“See that woman you let off the other week, Karen Taylor? She was laughing about not paying it back.”</p><p>Ben tries his best to swallow down the guilt that bubbles in his throat like bile when Tubbs shakes the money at him. He knows he’s vaguely out of sight of anyone that could relay this back to Callum, tucked away around the side of the club, but he can’t help but feel as though he’s letting Callum down. And, hey, maybe he is- Callum’s been pleading with him to drop the dodgy business, go legit, for the sake of Callum’s budding cop dream. Ben wants nothing more than to drop everything for his boyfriend, but there’s something inside him that can’t just forget about it all. He’s been trying over the past days, desperately weaning himself off the more dodgy business, like an addict off of heroin, but- as much as he wants to, he can’t just give it up, because Phil’s voice is a constant in his head. A constant, nagging voice that keeps telling him that he’s not enough, will never be good enough-</p><p>“Oh yeah, is that right, is it? Well, I’ll have to deal with her then, won’t I?” Ben grins, hoping that the guilt doesn’t show through on his face. “Because I can’t have people like her mugging me off.”</p><p>Tubbs just grins and then turns away, slinking back down the alley he came from. Ben shakes himself out of it, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket and hoping beyond hope that it isn’t Callum, simply because he doesn’t have the energy to lie right now. He brings the phone up to his ear, and strides away, back towards the square.</p><p>He’s blissfully oblivious of Callum watching him through the window of the chippy, a look resembling disappointment crossing his face.</p><p>-</p><p>“That Karen Taylor problem?”</p><p>Ben’s heart is racing right now, with Tubbs on the other end of the phone, but there’s a part of him that’s screaming louder than Phil’s voice right now. He thinks maybe it might sound like Callum’s voice, telling him he’s better than this, but whatever it is gives him the strength to keep talking.</p><p>“Yeah, she’s in the pub, splashing your cash- look, you sure you don’t want me to, uh-“</p><p>“I’m letting her off this month,” Ben blurts out, gripping onto the fence beside him.</p><p>“Again?” Tubbs says from the other end of the phone. “Bruv, you know we’ve got a reputation-“</p><p>“I said, I’m letting her off this month,” Ben says, then hangs up the phone. He sighs, and a smile pulls at the side of his mouth. Maybe, just maybe, this feels a little bit good- not ripping someone off for once. Maybe he feels just a little proud of himself for doing something right for once.</p><p>-</p><p>“Tubbs!”</p><p>Ben’s heart is racing again, but he knows he has to do this- and maybe it’s just a little good that he’d caught Tubbs in front of the funeral parlour, because that way there’s more of a chance that Callum will catch them talking. Maybe, a small part of him just wants to make his boyfriend proud, for once.</p><p>“Alright?” Tubbs replies.</p><p>“Alright- listen, I’m, uh, takin’ a bit of a step back from the business. I’m gonna focus on the car lot, alright? So I’m handing it over to you.”</p><p>(He can just about see Callum out of the corner of his eye, and, *of course he didn’t plan that*)</p><p>“What’s the catch?” Tubbs asks, suspicion covering his face. God, Ben wishes that people would just- accept that he’s trying to do something good for once.</p><p>“Erm, there isn’t one, alright? So a bit of gratitude’d be nice.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Tubbs says, grasping his hand.</p><p>“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Ben lets out a sigh as Tubbs walks away.</p><p>“Did you do that for me?”</p><p>Ben turns around quickly, and Callum’s stood there, smiling that gorgeous smile of his. The smile on Callum’s face when those words pass his lips is worth anything that might come Ben’s way in the next few weeks. His whole face lights up with it, his adoration for Ben shining through like a beacon that never fails to make Ben feel so, so special, and more loved than he ever has in his life. He can feel warmth thrumming through him at the look on Callum’s face, and it threatens to overwhelm him right there, in the middle of the market, so, of course, he has to quell the feelings of glee with a sarcastic comment which is not at all out of character for him.</p><p>“Course not, nah- but you better look hot in that police uniform,” Ben grins, relishing the little giggle that comes from Callum, and the shy way that he looks at his feet, as if he’s receiving the best compliment in the world makes Ben fall for him just that little bit more- because if that isn’t the most adorable thing ever, Ben doesn’t know what is. He’s noticed that Callum does it a lot, whenever Ben compliments him (which he makes sure to do at least every day), and so he vows silently to forever strive to make Callum look like *that*.</p><p>“I don’t know what to say,” Callum smiles, a beautiful blush climbing up his cheeks.</p><p>“Well, don’t say anything, just- come here.”</p><p>Ben grips at his lapels then, and pulls the other man towards him. He presses his lips against his boyfriend’s (and, fuck, doesn’t that feel great to think) and everything just feels so right. It still amazes Ben, even now, how right he feels with Callum. Right here- pressing his lips gently against Callum’s, just casually, no other expectations behind it, Ben feels so right. It hits him that there was a time, probably not so long ago, when he’d never be doing this- kissing a man, so openly and proudly, right in the middle of the street. But now? Everything that he does with Callum just serves to make him feel more right, and maybe that’s a sign that he’s doing the right thing here- going legit, giving up on whatever ‘business’ he was starting with Tubbs; he doesn’t need all that to make him feel special, or appreciated when he’s got Callum, right here, to do just that.</p><p>When they pull away, Callum pulls him straight back in again but just wraps his arms around Ben’s shoulders, lanky body encompassing him comfortingly. It makes him emotional, right there, because he doesn’t remember the last time he felt so appreciated. In the past, doing something right in Phil’s eyes would have just gained a grunt, or maybe a short ‘thanks’ if he was lucky. But now, doing this for Callum- the look on his face is so full of pride, and adoration, and perhaps even something akin to love- that it all feels worth it. He can forget for a minute, the reaction that he’s bound to get from his dad, sooner or later, because here, in Callum’s arms, everything is okay.</p><p>-</p><p>They’re curled up on the sofa together, later in the evening, when Callum brings it up again. They had agreed to go out this evening but after the long day they’d both had, a takeaway and a movie sounded much more appealing. After food, Ben’s head had found its way into the crook of Callum’s neck, breathing in the scent of Callum’s soap from his warm skin. They’d been sat like that for the past hour, Callum gently stroking his hand across Ben’s leg, when his hand stills suddenly.</p><p>“Ben?” he asks gently, unsure if the other man is still awake on his shoulder. Ben hums in response.</p><p>“This whole- going legit thing. You- you ain’t gonna regret it, right? Because I’m not clueless, I know what you do for your dad, and I don’t want you to do this as some one-time thing, and then hate me for it-“</p><p>“Hey, you. Stop right there. I’m doing this because I care about you, alright? And, you know what; maybe it’s about time that I let my dad fend for himself, hey?” Ben responds. He knows most of it’s a lie- he’s been praying all afternoon that Tubbs won’t spread the news about Ben going legit, because the minute it gets back to Phil, the man will be on him like a hawk. As much as he spends days now wishing things could be different, he knows that it’s impossible. He’s a Mitchell, and regardless of Callum’s kind words, that’s as much as he will ever be. But he can’t say that to Callum, because he’s just about the only thing keeping him sane at this point- Ben really can’t afford to lose him, because then he’d lose all hope at finding the good part of himself. Callum smiles in response, and it’s all worth it for that bright smile.</p><p>“That’s really big of you, Ben. I’m proud of you.”</p><p>And, fuck, that hurts. Not because Callum’s being patronising, or saying anything rude, just because he doesn’t even know half the story. Ben feels like such a let-down, letting Callum praise him like this when he knows that the minute Phil finds out about all of this Ben will go crawling back to him. He doesn’t deserve the other man’s praise, not when he’s already thinking about what he will have to do to appease his dad.</p><p>But- maybe there is at least a hint of truth in what he tells Callum. He hates being a Mitchell, that’s for sure- not the power that it gives him, but the claustrophobic, imposing pressure of the world that he had to grow up into. He wants, more than anything, for things to be different- he wants to be able to just leave everything behind, live a normal life with Callum- get a dog, raise Lexi, maybe another kid – but he’s a Mitchell, and there’s no way he can turn his back on that and live to see the consequences. If Ben knows one thing, he knows that that’s the reality of his world, and that he can’t let that bleed into Callum’s existence, even if it means leaving him behind.</p><p>But for now he revels in the praise, burning inside at the pride with which Callum looks at him. One night, he thinks. There’s no harm in enjoying this peaceful alternate reality for one night, even if he’s already imagining how it will have to end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had so much fun with this, but I'm sorry it has kinda a sad ending- however we all know it turns out okay in the end so it's fine 😂<br/>I hope you enjoyed this, and go check out theballumplace on tumblr for more awesome work from this celebration! Stay safe x<br/>Leo (artsy-highway on tumblr) &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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